#5. Game of Thrones
You know what I think about Danaerys?
I'd like to mash Danaerys up into a pulpy ball and shove it up my ass
just so I can shit it out immediately thereafter.
That said, I don't know who or what the fuck a Danaerys is, and since I want to put it in my ass, I certainly hope it doesn't contain a lot of metal. Game of Thrones is nothing more than a desperate attempt at D&D nerds trying to validate the years of dice-rolling, unpronouncible name-having, Doritos and Mountain Dew-ingesting debauchery by having a hit TV show invade the realm of mainstreamhood. Well congrats, it worked. Now we can all be smelly, socially awkward virgins together.
That said, I don't know who or what the fuck a Danaerys is, and since I want to put it in my ass, I certainly hope it doesn't contain a lot of metal. Game of Thrones is nothing more than a desperate attempt at D&D nerds trying to validate the years of dice-rolling, unpronouncible name-having, Doritos and Mountain Dew-ingesting debauchery by having a hit TV show invade the realm of mainstreamhood. Well congrats, it worked. Now we can all be smelly, socially awkward virgins together.
#4. The Walking Dead
HEY LOOK! IT'S ANOTHER FUCKING ZOMBIE
APOCALYPSE! JUST WHAT WE FUCKING NEEDED! YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS SITTING
AROUND WAITING FOR TWO WEEKS TO PASS FOR ANOTHER FUCKING ZOMBIE MOVIE
TO COME OUT, I THOUGHT, “MAN, WE REALLY NEED MORE FUCKING ZOMBIE
SHIT! TWO WEEKS IS TOO LONG TO FUCKING WAIT FOR MORE ZOMBIE SHIT! WE
SHOULD HAVE ZOMBIE SHIT EVERY FUCKING WEEK!” AMC APPARENTLY HEARD
MY PLEAS FOR ZOMBIE SHIT!
#3. Your Baby
You know, having a baby is like the
most common fucking thing that happens on Earth, seeing as how
there's seven-fucking-billion of us; yet every time someone has a
baby, it's supposed to be this epic fucking deal. Congrats on cashing
in your chips and deciding to live vicariously through a smaller
version of yourself rather than be an individual, not to mention adding to
the incredible deficit of like FUCKING EVERYTHING that has come about
due to there being too many of us, you selfish, replicating fucks. This also brings me to my next point...
#2. Your Birthday (between April and June)
I'm sorry that your parents were either
really uninspired or there was some kind of memo that went out
between July and September of the year prior to your birth that said,
“EVERYONE! LET US FUCK!” The months between April and June are so
packed full of fucking birthdays, I simply cannot give a fuck. Your
parents should've resisted the urge to have sex when everyone else
did if they wanted me to care about the date you slinked out of your
mom's birth canal.
#1. The Avengers
Why should I pay $12 to watch a cocaine
addict fight off a bunch of horrific, alien whales falling out of a
hole in the sky when I can hang out at the bus station for a couple
hours for free?
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